My one word for 2012 was “Create.”
I failed miserably.
I thought of “create” a lot, when I was driving, when I was unhappy and sitting in meetings. But I never acted on it.
In an attempt to try again, my one word for 2013 was “Intentional.” I wanted to be “intentional” with money, with time, and with relationships.
I did marginally better.
I at least acted on the word this time, even if only with limited success.
In keeping with my word “Intentional” in 2013, I tried to edit my life. I tried to say “no” more, and to create more margin and to simplify like all the experts suggest. But it is hard. It is hard to say “no” and to disappoint people. It is hard to say “no” and know that you are creating a gap that might not be filled. I just said “yes” to a big commitment three days ago because I was caught up in expectations and the need to fill a void that was not my fault.
Why do we feel guilt about burdens that are not ours?
Early this year, in February, I decided that I wasn’t happy – that I wanted more from my day job. I started an email to a friend who had the job that I wanted, but too scared to send it, I hit “save” and left it for another day.
Several miserable months went by and then finally, I found it again. That email sitting in my drafts folder, just waiting for some courage. I said “yes” to myself – for once! – and clicked “send.” It opened a window, and then a door. A little courage, a little light, and then an LLC.
Yes: I started my own company. It’s just a little one, just me and my pen, my camera, my community. But it is a little thing that can grow, unlike that email sitting in my drafts folder out of reach of the light of possibility.
Then, the hustle.
To make a website, a logo, a Facebook page. The hustle to order business cards and book my first gig. The hustle to impress people I had never met before. The hustle to be faster, work harder, to make more money. The hustle to blog regularly.
For me, creating a business and plotting out my dreams in the form of a name, a logo, was scary. To share that name and that logo was to share a part of me that before had been granted limited access to the outside world, and to which the world had been granted limited access.
I once again (somehow) scraped up the courage and hit “send.”
The hustle was hard – I’m not going to lie. It was emotional and overwhelming but so, so worth it. Every little victory was a big victory, because it was mine! My success for my business and my life. It sounds selfish when I type this, but I’m trying not to feel guilt anymore. I know that success is something to be shared, and it will be. Success is a thing that struggles when left on a shelf all alone.
The hustle is still hard: I’m only four months in and I have so much to learn, so much time to manage, so much tax code to read.
I am looking forward to a 2014 that is just as gutsy, if not more. Committing to more and bigger projects. Committing in different ways than I have before.
I might even quit my day job.
No, I will quit my day job.
For some reason, it’s really hard to say that out loud, but a little easier to type. To even think about it is stirring and startling and so edgy that I just smile a little, and then a little more as possibility becomes probability.
My story is one in the making: one that is developing day by day and piece by piece, probably just like a lot of people out there. But: I am learning to be an active participant and not just a bystander in my own life.
How sad is it that it took me more than 25 years to flesh out that idea?
Maybe I will make my one word for 2014 “Gutsy.”
Getting gutsy is all about stepping outside your comfort zone to reach your goals. I’m participating in Jessica Lawlor’s #GetGutsy Essay Contest. To get involved and share your own gutsy story, check out this post for contest details.
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